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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 24, 2011 2:30am-3:05am PDT

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hey dave, we're out of bud light. ♪ oh, good thing i just downloaded this app. ♪ here we go. ♪ [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. nice app. i gotta get a new phone. should we spend it wandering in some home improvement warehouse crowd: no! i say we go to ace crowd: yeah! get help when we walk in the door because we will maintain our homes and our weekends crowd: yeah! get your weekend back at ace the helpful place
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> they did a poll six weeks ago on all the presidential candidates and favorrities in their own states. there's only one presidential candidate that's viewed favorably in his or her owncapty co captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen!
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stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report, everybody. it is so-- (cheers and applause) it is so good to have you with us. folks-- (cheers and applause) thank you very much. welcome to the great american scream machine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, there is a lot of news out there and we will get to all of it, i promise you. but first i have to start by issuing a rare apology. it goes out-- i know, i know. it goes out to the team at abc channel 5 woi des moines news lieder. last week i attacked woi when their general manager ray cole refused to air our colbert report superpac ads.
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you have [bleep] with the wrong people! colbert superpac is 165,000 strong, baby, here us roar. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i happen to foe you haven't won a local emmy in ten years. want to touch mine? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now that was a low blow. almost as low as the number of emmies they have. (laughter) >> stephen: but it turns out that i have met ray cole and he has touched my emmy. (laughter) you see, what happened was-- (laughter) in 2008 we had just won our first emmy and naturally i went to the bathroom to celebrate. (laughter) the only other gentlemen in there who i had never met was ray cole. he offered to hold my little trophy while i peed. (laughter) i said i would rather you hold my emmy. and in return-- true story,
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true story. (cheers and applause) >> true story, in return when he peed i held his package-- (laughter) >> by which i mean these little parcels he's holding down there. so my apologies. did you touch my emmy and when you have touched my emmy, you've touched the best of me. so like my children, in that i legally adopt all of them. they're going to get everything. of course we were advertising in iowa because saturday was the ames straw poll. every one was there except the ones who weren't. and michelle bachmann won it all. her tent was by far the most popular. now some analysts say it is because of her strong support among evangelicals. others because of her strong stance on the debt ceiling but one insider had a different theory. >> we have an air conditioned tent. we've got chairs. we've got country legend superstar randy travis live.
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we're also going to have a petting sgroo for the kids. >> stephen: yes, a petting zoo. of course at a bachmann petting zoo you are only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex. (laughter) now another factor might have been that bachmann helped her supporters pay for the $30 voting tickets by paying for them. >> there were long lines outside bachmann it could have been for the brisket, we don't know, the barbecue. she has a lot of money to spread around. she has been handed ot tickets. >> there are reports she handed out 6,000 tickets. >> stephen: that's right, she paid $180,000 to hand out $6-- 6,000 tickets but it was worth it because she goes 4,823 votes. bachmann got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. (laughter) that's pretty impressive. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i say, i say this proves she could win
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the general election assuming she can get 50 million voters into a field, pack them with barbecue and let their children pet randy travis. (laughter) (applause) but folks, but according to the associated press. someone else is surprisingly well at the straw poll. reporting quote saturday's outcome suggests that xxx has a certain level of support and perhaps even more important the strongest get out the vote operation. yes, they finished very strong with a certain level of support. now the ap is a top-notch news organization that would never just pinch out an article before the results were in knowing they can slap in any name later and then forget to do it. no. (applause) (cheers and applause) no. when the ap says that xxx has the scientifically
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quantifiable certain level of support, you can take that to certain bank. (laughter) so i want to know about this mystery candidate xxx. he sounds great. unfortunately, he has a pretty big sex scandal waiting to explode because i googled his name along with the phrase waiting to explode and the results were shocking. (laughter) pretty sick stuff. of course the big loser is tim pawlenty. sadly, pawlenty made this announcement on abc's this week with jake tapper. >> i'm announcing this morning on your show that i'm going to be ending my campaign for president. what i brought forward i thought was a rational, established, credible strong record of results but i think the audience so to speak was looking for something different. >> stephen: yes, they were not looking for rational. rationality is the third
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rail of american politics. (laughter) and for the love of god, we eat fried butter on a stick. does that sound like the act of a rational person. and i was especially sad to see peepaw go out this way considering the ethic ethicness of his first commercial. >> the effort it takes, extraordinary, it takes extraordinary strength. >> stephen: so much grandeur. so much stock footage. you should have played that all the way through to the end. this is how you withdraw from a campaign. >> announcing this morning that i'm going to be ending my campaign for president. we didn't do well in ames. we weren't going to have the fuel to keep the cargoing down the road. we needed to get some lift to continue on and have a pathway forward. that didn't happen. i wish it would have been different.
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but obviously the pathway forward for me doesn't really exist. within well, it was disappointing. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes, it was. we're overcome right now. of course now that pawlenty is out the big question is whether bachmann or perry will get his supporter. (laughter) 9 even bigger question is how did colbert superpac do in iowa? as i said -- (cheers and applause) and i want to thank all these people for supporting the superpac without having to know what it does. (cheers and applause) as i said, oh you of little
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faith. as i said, our superpac ran superads in des moines urging iowans to go to the straw poll and write in rick perry with an a for iowa. (laughter) well, folks, the results are in and rick perry received 7189 votes which were all spelled with an "a" (cheers and applause) ment i assume because the iowa gop officials refused to release the full write in results. >> boo! >> stephen: who are you afraid of, gop, that the superpac nation is going to demand their seat at the table? somebody needs to get to the bottom of this blatant vote laundering. you know who i think could blow the lid off this thing? the team at woi, des moines aes news leader. i'm talking amanda, rachel,
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john walters on sports and brad edwards at the weather map. and you know who i think could really get to the bottom of this, intrepid reporter katie eastman. she has proven that she is a journalistic bloodhound. >> the city of des moines has been talking about this park for a long time now. and dog owners of des moines couldn't be happier that the park is finally here. >> stephen: thanks, katie. (cheers and applause) thanks, katie with. that kind of doggie scoop, i smell a poolitzer. you're welcome. woi news team, you find out how many people voted for perry with an "a" and you can broadcast those results on my show. or i'll broadcast the shows on your show. (cheers and applause) find out the truth. it's out there.
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so is the fried butter.
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is america's un ambassador, unfortunately i don't speak unese. please welcome susan wright. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for coming on. now that little greeting i gave the audience cheering for me, did that remind you of any dictators or mad men who come speak at the general assembly. a hugo chavez feel? >> every september we have a bit of a sideshow. sometimes it feels a little
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like the star wars bar scene where some of the most colourful dictators of the world will come and give their speeches but most of the year it's actually a pretty serious place where we get a lot of good work done for the american people. >> so the they are up there, just going-- that's that white-- what is playing in the whitehead phone of yours. i don't want to hear the speech. >> now you are the official title, you are the u.s. permanent representative to the united nations. >> i think that's correct. >> your predecessor was john bolton. >> yes. >> he of the walrusy mustache. what is it like to follow john bolton. dow still find whiskers in the microphone? he said that the u.n. could lose its top ten floors and no one would notice. what is the purpose of the u.n. today? >> well, stephen, we actually live in a pretty dangerous and complicated world. >> stephen: i know, i know. >> and many of the threats we face terrorism, proliferation, disease, climate change, genocide,
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are not the kinds of things that one country, even one as powerful as our own can solve by itself. so we need cooperation. we need countries working together. and the u.n. is the one place on the planet, despite it's many flaws where we can marshal the support and share the costs of doing what's necessary to protect the united states. so it's far from perfect but actually a place where we get a lot done for the american people. >> it is far from perfect. okay. >> don't worry. i'm going to nail her. now listen. all of that sounds great, okay. don't get me wrong. but at what price? why are you willing to surrender the sovereignty of the united states to the foreign governments who get to come in and say what we can or cannot do. because there are well-known plans to drop blue helmeted para troopers into the united states to establish a government within the government and to take away our guns.
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will you admit that? >> no. >> will you not admit that. >> in fact, let me tell you how it really works. the u.n. security council can't even issue a press statement without the united states's agreement. they don't tax us. >> i'm not saying are you not on board with it. i'm saying you guys are on board with it. you guys in the obama administration would love the u.n. the excuse to take away our guns. >> not at all. there is no such thing as a black helicopter there are no such things at para troopers wearing blue helmets. we get to decide what we do, when we do it. not a single american serves under u.n. command. all of the stuff about sovereignty is one big mythment but what is true is that we have others paying the bulk of the bills for important missions that otherwise either we would have to do ourselves or wouldn't get done. so here-- . >> stephen: let's talk about some of the people who are or are not and excuse me for interrupting you, but i enjoy it. let's talk about some of the other people who are out there on the permanent security council.
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we got u.s., france, u.k., china and russia. okay, those are the people who can veto anything, right. >> that's right. >> stephen: how you can get anything done when you got china and russia on this thing. who are our sworn enemies. (laughter) and their communist countries. how you can get anything done? >> well, actually, stephen, it was with russia and china on the security council that we were able to impose tough sanctions on iran, one of their major trading partners. on north korea. >> stephen: -- --. >> the short answer to your question is that under president obama the united states has repaired relationships, repaired freyed alliances and worked to reset what had been fraught and difficult relationships with people or countries like russia. and as a consequence we have been able to move them more often than not to positions that reflect our interests, our values and our objectives such as sanctioning iran.
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such as sanctions north korea. such as fighting nonproliferation globally. such as supporting -- >> korea got their nuclear weapon. i'm just as scared as both of these people. how are we stopping them? i mean i know sternly worded letters are the bread and butter of the u.n. but maybe we should start typing them in all caps. let them know that we're really angry. >> with exclamation. >> go ahead. in fact, when it comes to iran for example, the sanctions that were imposed have weakened the banking sector. weakened their ability to require insurance. have lead to a dim anything of the iranian economy. and they are now under pressure, increasingly isolated in a region where the political situation is turning to their disadvantage, witness syria. and the entire world has come together to page it very clear with economic pressure that the nuclear program they're pursuing is illegal and ought to be stopped. >> stephen: account u.n. do
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anything to make ahmadinejad wear a tie? can you get a resolution on that. (laughter) >> would that be appealing. >> stephen: it would be a step in the right direction. >> i tell you what. >> stephen: we have to take a commercial break but will you stick around and we'll talk about what as become of the arab spring. >> okay. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more from ambassador susan wright. (cheers and
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quell come back. we're continuing our conversation with u.n. ambassador susan wright. now ambassador, okay, before the commercial break you made the argument that the u.n. serves a purpose. (laughter) assuming that it does, let's talk about some of the things that the u.n. is doing right now and some of the things that the united states has asked the u.n.
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for its help with. okay are. we still at war with libya because i don't hear much about it any more. is that still going on? >> well, first of all, yes. but cad avi's days are numbered. i think if you are paying close attention you will see that the nato operation has been highly effective. first in the first instance it saved tens of thousands of lives that would have been lost had qaddafi been able to carry out his plans to attack his people like rats, as he called them, in eastern libya, particularly in benghazi. so tens of thousands of lives have been saved. >> stephen: let's say that going into libya was the right thing to do. what is the difference, i'm going to accept your argument. what is the difference, what is the difference between libya and syria? and i mean that literally what is the difference between libya and syria? because i get those two mixed up. >> one is on the north coast of africa. the other is on the mediterranean on the other side.
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>> stephen: different countries. but both of them have bad situations. the government is killing people in syria. why aren't we sending, you know, our brave drones in there? (laughter) >> what's happening in syria is absolutely outrageous and appalling. and we saw over the last few days syrian war boats warships shooting at their own people in the main port city. and we have been very, very clear that a saad has been absolute-- assad has been immoral and rep ri henceable in his actions. let me february you were, i know it is confusing but let me walk you through it. we have an ambar does in syria, robert ford who has been very brave and out on the streets with the protestors and talking to regular syrians. and what he hears every day and what they want from the united states is moral leadership, political pressure and sanctions. but very clearly, no military intervention.
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>> stephen: let's talk finally here about what's going on in sam allia. and-- somalia. it is a humanitarian tragedy. but you know, keep it light. what is-- (laughter) what is happening and what can people do to help. >> stephen there is no keeping this one light. there are other 12 million people that at risk of starvation in somalia and the broader horn of africa, many of them children. and this is a combination of a result of an oppressive drought and the horrific actions of the terrorist organization called al shabab which has prevented assistance to be available to its people over the course of several years. the united states is taking this extremely seriously. >> stephen: let's talk about what they can do right now. sorry, they did text aid to 27722 and they can give $10 directly to the u.n.'s world
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food program. >> right. >> and that's a very important way for the american people to contribute on an individual basis. >> let me ask you the most important question which is with your diplomatic plate what is the craziest place you've ever parked. (cheers and applause) >> i like to just drive up on the curb and get to where i need to go. >> stephen: exactly. are you any relationship to condoleezza rice. >> not that you i am aware of. >> stephen: really. i am told that you are an african-american. i don't see race. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i endorsed rick perry. >> are you white. (laughter) >> stephen: thank you so much, ambassador susan rice. text aid to 27722. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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ing that a it for the report, everybody. you may be able to tell, we went a little long with the interview with ambassador rice. so i am going to take a page out of jon stewart's book and throw that on the web at some point tomorrow. everybody here has got to go to bed it is about 3:00 in the morning. that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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>> tosh.0 features video from the internet and is for mature audiences. enjoy! [cheers & applause] >> that ball return is dangerous. welcome to tosh.0. if i'm in your top-five celebrity sex list, and you get it notarized, i will bang you. [laughter] tonight on the show the national anthem girl gets a web redemption. we play "is it racist?" and i tell you who is going to win the super bowl. the heat. [laughter] alright, let's see if he can pick up the split. nice sports bra. how do you score that? [laughter]
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so this is what chubby people do while we're out on dates with women. can you imagine if they would [laughter] have rolled a ball off drestruka? [laughter] [applause] still a little sore. hey dane, i found the perfect girl for you. >> good job. let's keep moving. we're going to lunge to the side for one. [laughter] >> one, squeeze your abs. >> a cackle a day keeps the cankles away. as opposed to curves, where every woman is crying. [laughter] that's why snl fans are so fat. [laughter] that's pretty much all i want in a girlfriend. laugh and squat. [laughter]

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